I’m completely freaking out.
I’m anxious, worried, irritable, depressed, snappy, stressed and basically in a pure state of fear at the thought of death.
It’s the biggest unknown on the planet and I HATE the unknown.
I only enjoy watching films if I know what the ending is going to be.
If my life was a film then on the one hand I would want to know the ending but then on the other hand I wouldn’t because unless it was that myself and all the people I love will live long and healthy lives, it would make me feel even worse.
This isn’t the first time I have felt this way, it is some thing which crops up now and again, I can usually push it to the back of my mind but this time I am struggling to do that.
Dad2BabyInsomniac’s accident is what triggered it. I know to anyone else it is just a broken leg and ankle but to me it was a near-miss of him doing something worse. It was the realisation that all it takes is one minute for life to change and that there is such a thin line between life and death.
Everything now is just adding to my fear. I read a letter in a magazine yesterday, it was written by a young woman who knew she was dying, telling her husband how much she loves him. It was heartbreaking.
Then last night Dad2BabyInsomniac found out someone he used to be friends with had died.
It’s hard not to think about death when it is happening all around you.
It’s hard not to wonder why it happens to some people and not others.
It’s hard not to question what the point is.
It’s even harder when you have brought children into the world. It scares me to think that something could happen to me and I would miss out on seeing Iyla grow up and it scares me even more to think that something could happen to her and I would have to carry on living without her.
I know the idea is to enjoy and make the most of every moment of life but that’s difficult when you are so worried about something bad happening.
Another thing that is freaking me out is that the week before Dad2BabyInsomniac’s accident, I asked him what would happen if he broke his leg then a week later he did. PLUS the other day Iyla was playing in the garden and I thought to myself about how she hadn’t ever tripped and drawn blood yet, then later than afternoon she fell onto a wooden table and cut her face resulting in a lot of blood.
Dad2BabyInsomniac joked that I am some kind of accident cursor but what if I am?!
I know it sounds ridiculous but what if next time I think something worse and it happens?