ROMANCE – A feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love
But how important is it?
If you’d have asked me that question a few weeks ago then I would have said not very important at all. I would have said that romance doesn’t mean anything and that it’s nice but the lack of it doesn’t mean that your OH loves you any less but following a conversation with one of my friends last week I started to wonder whether in actual fact, it does.
Dad2BabyInsomniac isn’t the romantic type, or more like he isn’t the romantic type anymore. If I think back to the start of our relationship then things were different, he was a lot more open with his feelings, not ever like in the romance movies (such as Pearl Harbor – so romantic) but it was him who used to tell me that he loved me every night and do little things that made me feel like he cared, so what changed?
Romance doesn’t seem to play any part in our relationship these days – unless you class romance as offering to make someone some beans on toast.
I had been going along like this quite happily until recently when I started to crave romantic gestures, compliments and gushing declarations of undying love. Watching Pearl Harbour the other night didn’t help things, I am now desperately waiting for him to get home from work and tell me that although it had been freezing cold all day, thinking of me had made him warm inside.
It’s not going to happen though. I am being unrealistic and to be honest, if he did come home and say that to me I would laugh so hard that it would be the last time he ever tried it.
But this is where I think the problem lies, it would be really easy to blame it all on Dad2BabyInsomniac but I think half the problem lies with me. I can’t expect him to do and say things that I wouldn’t do myself can I?
When we first got together I had just come out of a five year relationship, one where I got hurt badly and I think it has had far more of an effect on me than I realised. The relationship was full of lies and deception, he was my first love and I opened up to him in a big way – he had my heart and with that came the power to break it, which he did.
My ex used to tell me he loved me ALL the time, write me poems and give me compliments but he also used to cheat on me every weekend and lie to me. Not only did this affect my confidence and my ability to trust but it has left me somewhat unable to express my true emotions or be ‘romantic’. I find it quite hard to tell Dad2babyinsomniac that I love him, I am okay if I am saying it in a matter of fact way like ‘you know I love you’ but I don’t know if I have ever said it in a really deep and meaningful way – even at the start when he used to say it to me. Maybe he sensed that was how I felt all those years ago and that’s why he stopped.
Telling someone how much they mean to you is scary, you are putting yourself on the line to be hurt. Dad2babyinsomniac thinks that I hold back because I don’t feel completely comfortable around him but it’s not that, it’s just that I don’t feel comfortable saying certain things. I don’t know if it’s possible to change the way we are now but I want to try – I want us to make our relationship into a little romance movie.
At the end of the day, I know romance isn’t everything, I only have to look back at my previous relationship to know that but I just think it would be nice to let each other know how we feel. It would be nice to have a little bit of excitement and mystery back. I am hoping that if I try and be a bit more open with my feelings then it will have a chain effect and suddenly we will be telling each other that if our planes ever crash into the sea and we don’t know if we can hold on then the thought of each others faces will give us the strength to stay alive (just like in Pearl Harbor, although obviously I don’t want the hooking up with each others best friends part to happen, that would suck).
So what do you think?
Do you do it like the romance movies?!
How important is romance?
If you think not very then watch this and see if it changes your mind!
I think it’s important. As you know, my marriage is a bit rubbish at the mo, and I crave some attention and affection, like how it used to be when we first got together. It doesn’t have to be hearts and flowers, sometimes an unexpected hug is all that’s needed. We need romance to remind ourselves that the drudgery of our day-to-day lives is not all there is!
It is something you can work on and I think the fact that you recognise that you find it hard to express your emotions is at least a step in the right direction. There are other ways to show your OH how much you love him (and not just, er, bedroom stuff!!) but I am SURE he knows you do, anyway.
Good luck
x x x
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That is so true, it doesn’t have to be anything over the top, just a little gesture, offering to cook dinner or doing something thoughtful….or even little notes left under my pillow…or am I getting carried away again now?! xx
Mum2babyinsomniac recently posted..How Important Is Romance?
I feel the longer you are together the more things change. But not in a bad way. There are some days I could happily murder Mr Rilly, but then other days I watch him with our 6 kids and I could BURST with the love I have for him.
How I loved him when we first met is nothing compared to how I love him now, our feelings have grown and evolved.
Never crave for what it was, look now at what it is. Really see how you interact and flow through life together, how each of you are both important parts of a well oiled machine.
:$ Thats enough of my gushiness.. LOL
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Yep that is a very good point, I know what we have is a long lasting, healthy relationship and it’s a nicer, more secure place to be than all the excitement at the start but I guess it would be nice to just have a little burst of excitement and romance sometimes. I completely agree about watching him as a dad, it melts my heart and I am so happy that we have a little family now, I guess we just need to make a bit more time for each other as it is too easy to get lost in the world of nappies and sock-washing! Not that I would change it of course
x
Mum2babyinsomniac recently posted..How Important Is Romance?
Oh honey. I am not sure what to say but I do know what you mean. I am lucky in that me and Mr B end EVERY phone call with ‘Love you’ despite who can hear and must say it to each other many times a day. So much so in fact that it has maybe lost its meaning? The romance has certainly gone. To be fair I think it had gone before W arrived so probably not a snowflake in hell’s chance of getting it back now.
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And if it cheers you up at all have just added your badge to my home page
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Yeah I think after having kids it’s even harder to get the romance back, maybe I just need to accept that and appreciate the new stage of our relationship, the world of security and dirty nappies! I do love this stage, it is amazing watching him with Iyla but I hope that by trying a bit harder we can make things a bit more exciting and romantic!
And yes, that does cheer my up 
xx
Mum2babyinsomniac recently posted..How Important Is Romance?
I think in an ideal world we’d all be as “loved up” 10 yrs on as we were 10 weeks on. But life gets in the way, and your energies get pulled in other directions. Me and OH tell each other we love each other every day but that’s it in the way of romance, there are no big gestures or declarations. But we are a really good team, we work together and support each other through thick and thin.
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Ahh I know, and I know that is the important thing. I guess it would be nice to have it all but I know I should just be grateful for what I do have. I am happy, and I trust him and like him and love him and when we are making an effort things are good but I think it just needs us both to make a bit more effort and maybe try to do some of the things that we find hard. I just want us to be as happy as possible now we have Iyla so that we can pass on how a relationship can work
x
Mum2babyinsomniac recently posted..How Important Is Romance?
I’m the same as you in some ways. I crave romance but at the same time when it’s given I’m likely to be instantly suspicious or crack up laughing and completely ruin the moment.
I think romance is definately key but the frequency and intensity doesn’t have to be as much as it was at the start. I don’t think it means that you love each other any less, just that you are both more comfortable in your skin and don’t need to proclaim it to show it.
I think get yourself out there and declare your love to him, the worst he can do is what you’d do to him (giggle?) which isn’t so bad!
xxx
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I am kind of going to…but I am cheating and writing it all in a letter instead! So much easier! And I am getting him to write me one too
Kind of romatic without even trying! Thanks for your comment x
After 11 years with Hubs I am far from an expert in romance but I think it takes time to change patterns of behaviour so maybe instead of thinking about the end result you’d like (ie lots of romance) you could just think of one little thing to do this week and then see how you feel after that. One step at a time and all that.
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Ahhh thanks Cat, that is really good advice. We have had a really good talk and I even got him to open up a little bit! Shock, horror! We are going to cheat and write each other a letter telling each other how we feel – much more fun than a conversation and plus I will be able to read it whenever I forget. Mine is going to be like Rachels letter to Ross though by the time I have finished! x
Oh so true! After 20+ years with the Old Man I know you have to work at appreciating one another. It is especially hard when the kids are very young, but worth both making the effort.
It is such hard work! I think we had both just got caught up in giving all of our love and affection to Iyla forgetting that we need to give some to each other! It is hard work but I do definitely want it to work, I want Iyla to have a loving happy couple for parents in 20 years time! x
If you want it to work and you have identified the gap, it will work! Well done to you all x
I now realise loosing the romance and fizz is a normal transition of long term relationships although when it first happened to us I thought we were over as I was under the illusion it should always be easy and romantic with ‘the one’… (!)
But then had the best advice from Mum and Dad, they basically told me it is not easy to stay with someone long term and it requires work and effort from both sides, as long as you still love and respect each other thats all that matters.(Funny they were seperated themselves though!)
So now I am happier with what its been replaced with: deep friendship, companionship, humour and the ‘soul mate’ type love, instead of ‘lust’ love, where we are really in tune with each other. Saying that, I still have days where I moan that he doesnt offer me enough affection ..demanding more cuddles and kisses!
Your idea of the chain effect is definately the way forward. I have read about it and it comes down to the old saying that we should treat others how we want to be treated. So by offering more signs of appreciation to your OH, with small acts of kindness/effection/flattery/thanking for the the small things etc… they naturally respond in the same way. This actually happened on Sunday with out me realising..! I made OH breakie in bed as he was hungover and then he bought me a massage as a surprise at a music festival we went to the next day!
Let us know if it works for you!
Ahhh that is so true, thank you for pointing all of that out. There are so many good points about this stage of a relationship but I think we had stopped working and making effort, I guess mainly because we were putting all of our focus, love and attention onto Iyla. But we have had some really good talks and hopefully know where we need to improve things in order for us both to be as happy as possible. But I am definitely going to start doing nice things – and we are writing each other a letter…a bit of a cheats way to get feelings across when you find it hard to say them
xx
Awww… letters are so romantic, thats great! Yeh I know what you mean about all the love going to the little one. Easy to neglect each other, but its easy to impress each other then too!
A great post, and the comments show, you’re not alone in the way that you feel, so take heart! I think many people feel like this but often people don’t discuss relationships so we feel alone. Long term relationships can’t sustain the initial fizz forever and so you have to evolve and keep evolving to a new place and both keep trying. Chain effect is a good idea, and a good place to start. To quote the cheesy song from Bugsy Malone.. ‘You give a little love and it all comes back to you..” (!) Go for it and show him/ tell him how you feel – even if it’s in little ways to start with.
Ahhh so true, there is something nice and different about the next stage of a relationship but I think we had got so preoccupied with Iyla that we forgot about each other. Luckily we have had a few good talks and know where we need to change things, I have realised that it is so important to never stop putting effort in because our it can quickly go downhill if you do. I know that I want to be with him forever so I am going to try and do anything I can to make sure that happens
Thanks for your comment x
I LOVE that film (but then, I also love Dirty Dancing, The Notebook, Love Actually – pretty much anything soppy with lots of love in it). But the thing about films, is that they’re not real. That said, although my husband isn’t the most romantic sort, if he comes home with a bottle of win, or gives me a hug and tells me he loves me, that’s me happy. It’s the little things, not the huge grand gestures. Letting me have a lie in on a Sunday is also a good one.
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Ahh I know, and to be honest I don’t actually want it like how it is in the movies. I don’t think I could deal with it if Dad2babyinsomniac started showering me with compliments and wanting to hug me all the time! You are so right about the little things, I think we stopped making an effort even with those though and that was the problem, lie-ins would only happen after ten minutes of begging which kind of ruined it! I think having kids makes you so preoccupied that you can forget about each other, Iyla was getting all of our love and affection and we forgot about each other which if left for ages could have led to serious problems. Luckily we both recognised it and are going to try and put it right
x
My husband used to be very romantic, constantly taking me away and buying me little gifts etc. Now six years on, we unfortunately don’t have the money to be spontaneous like that anymore but he still tries in his own little way- running me baths and things like that. It is hard to be romantic when there is not just two of you anymore, we are normally so tired we just go to bed or sit in front of the TV! x
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Yeah that is so true! I think as well, we were so preoccupied with showering Iyla with all of our love and affection that we kind of forgot about each other – it is all about the little things but we had even stopped with those. Hopefully we have sorted the problem now and know where we need to make effort, I just need to remember never to let it slip again because it is important for Iyla as well as us
x
Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Also maybe you should initiate some romance too. I think sometimes us women always wait for the man, when really they crave as much attention, tlc and romance as us. Good luck
Thanks, I did actually talk to him last night and we are trying to change things which is good, and you are right about men liking affection and attention just as much, I have been making him feel loved
x
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i think it is VERY important but sadly I have none in my life …….we dont even hold hands, say I love you anymore or kiss each other goodnight
xx
i know I blame him for not being romantic towards me but maybe i should be more so with him. but when someone doesn’t make you feel special it is hard to take the plunge and try to be affectionate towards them. bit of a vicious circle i suppose. i think we are def in a love rut.
good luck getting your Pearl Harbour ‘love’
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Ahhh Jenny that is exactly what had happened to us – I think that is why I was craving the big things, because I wasn’t getting any things but because we never did it, I didn’t want to be the one to do it and so on. I also think we had both got so carried away with giving all our attention and love to Iyla that we forgot about each other. We have had a talk though and are trying to change it, we have come up with a few things and are even writing each other a letter for all the things that are hard to say
Have a talk – bring back the romance! xx
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My OH have been together 12 years and has know each other about 15. He has never been that romantic and even now I have a strop about it every so often. My argument is he should know about what I like after all this time! We did used to go out a lot until baby arrived and I used to love it. Then it suddenly became all about the baby and dynamics changed a lot for a while. We now have a once a month date night and it’s brilliant. There is the nice hand holding, paying for dinner etc etc and a bit of time that’s ours. I had an ex like your ex. He could quote movie lines to me and write lovely things in my valentine day card (he did the same with other girls too though and he got dumped very quickly!)
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You can never have too much romance! x
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