Do you ever wonder whether your labour could have been different?
Watching this series of One Born has got me thinking about my own birthing experience.
This is the first time since giving birth that I have really been able to sit down and observe the way in which women deal with their labours so differently. And I can’t help but notice that the women who don’t need medical intervention give birth to more relaxed babies.
I had to have an assisted delivery (forceps) and it’s watching these type of births that really brings back bad memories. In fact the episode I watched the other night had me sobbing about the fact that Iyla had to be born in such a horrible way. I felt awful that she had to have metal things clamped around her head so tightly that she looked like she’d been beaten up.
5 minutes old
Until lately I always thought that I was just unfortunate that everything went wrong in my labour but now I honestly believe that it would have been different had I been able to manage the pain better.
Looking back I can see where things went wrong.
When I arrived at hospital my labour was progressing really well, I was dilating quite quickly but I couldn’t deal with the pain. I am a bit of a wimp generally and I just went into a state of panic. I couldn’t relax and breathe through the contractions and was instead squirming around and wailing. So although I initially refused the offer of a diamorphine shot, I did fairly quickly change my mind and I think that was a big mistake.
Yes it helped me relax but it also pretty much stopped my contractions resulting in me needing to have the hormone drip to speed things up, this meant they recommended me having an epi-dural due to the fact that my contractions were going to get really painful, really quickly. By the time it came to pushing I’d been in labour for 46 hours, hadn’t eaten for 24 hours, Iyla was distressed and the cord was wrapped around her neck so they used forceps to get her out as quickly as possible.
I will never know whether the cord around her neck would have resulted in me needing medical assistance if I had been more in control of the situation and ultimately I am just relieved that she arrived safely but I can’t help but look back and feel sad that it wasn’t the positive experience that it could have been. I feel like I failed at childbirth. I wasn’t in control of anything about it, I pretty much surrendered to letting them do anything they wanted as soon as I arrived at hospital.
You can read a more comical view to my disastrous labour here - Episiotomy Done, Now For A Painkiller Up The Bumhole.
I know that there is no point looking back and wondering but it has made me determined for things to be different next time, if I am lucky enough to have a next time, I know I can’t just take it for granted.
If there is a next time then I want to have a water birth with only gas and air. Maybe I won’t be able to, maybe I will never be able to deal with the pain of childbirth but I want to do everything I can to give it a go. I want to do as much research and planning for it as I can and find ways to try and stay relaxed instead of going into shock.
I want to trust my body to do what it is designed to do.
I am sorry you didn’t have the best birth hun, and heres hoping next time it is everything you want it to be. I had an elective c-section which was perfect, surreal but perfect. People think how could it be because it was a c section and I didn’t experience natural birth- but it was wonderful- I hope I am lucky enough next time to get the exact same experience, whether that be with a natural labour or with another section. x
Katie @mummydaddyme recently posted..Pretty.Little.Things- Going Home Outfit.
Ahhh I think as long as you feel like you had a positive experience then it doesn’t matter what way you give birth,I suppose one benefit to an elective c-section is that you know roughly what to expect so you can try and mentally prepare yourself for it, although I’m sure neither option is a walk in the park! xx
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Was It My Fault That My Labour Went Wrong?
Awww, as you well know I had a tough time of it too and there will be definite demons to face when I have number two, but I also think that labour is so different for everyone. As much as my labour went nothing as I planned, I still feel positive about it overall when I look back, probably because the result completely justifies the process.
I d think though that I could have been more prepared and less naive. I just had an attitude that this baby would come out one way or the other but I didnt really think about the part I had to play in how that happened. I wish I’d done a bit of hypnobirthing, I wish I’d remembered to use my yoga breathing, I wish I’d used a TENS machine. All lessons learned for next time.
But I think that next time I will also be better because I will be less afraid and I’ll know what I’m letting myself in for.
X
Lucy at Dear Beautiful Boy recently posted..pretty.little.things – going home outfit
The longer that goes by the more terrified I am about doing it again! The end result does totally make it worth it and I would do it all again but I just don’t think I will ever feel positive about it
I completely agree though about being more prepared, I didn’t make any effort to learn any ways to help the experience although to be honest I didn’t have a clue how bad it would be. Next time I am definitely going to look at hypnobirthing and will do yoga all the way through my pregnancy and I am also hoping that I won’t be as scared because I will have a better idea of what it involves….fingers crossed! x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Was It My Fault That My Labour Went Wrong?
I am so sorry to hear you had such a difficult birth but I also want to be kinder to yourself, it is so hard to be how you want to during labour, there is nothing like that pain and out of control feeling. You are right that being positive and feeling you can cope will help to make it a more positive experience but when you are in the thick of it it’s not always that easy. It is especially hard with your first as it is such an unknown thing. The birth of my first child was traumatic and he had a big cone shaped head due to the ventouse, the next 2 births were so much better and part of this was due to me knowing what to expect and also being better prepared about how to cope with the pain.
Corinne recently posted..Being a Positive Influence
I am really hoping that next time I will be able to cope with the pain in a better way. I think it’s watching all the women on One Born that is making me realise just how rubbish I was! This series has been full of people pushing out babies without even making a sound, I just don’t understand! x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Was It My Fault That My Labour Went Wrong?
I think everyone copes with the pain in different ways. Early on in labour with my last baby I found concentrating on counting and breathing helped so I was able to stay at home longer. Being calm really did help with the birth, though it did mean when I did get to hospital they didn’t believe my baby was nearly there, half an hour later he arrived! You will also find that every birth is different, you really never know how it will be.
Corinne recently posted..Being a Positive Influence
I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way.
It is so easy in hindsight to think ‘Maybe I could have coped with the pain better’, and it is so easy to forget that pain of childbirth once you have been removed from it for a while. But you did what you did in order to cope, and you can’t do any better than that. Also, frustrating as it is, it is impossible to tell whether things might have been different if you had chosen less pain relief, etc. This being said, I can completely understand that knowing this doesn’t mean you will feel any less regretful.
I am a firm believer that confidence and fear can affect the pain of labour. I certainly felt more in control of the pain when I felt I was in a safe, calm environment. The benefit of having done it once means that we are more aware of what helps us relax, what works and what doesn’t work in terms of dealing with the pain. This can only be an advatnage when it comes to having baby number two.
Chloe recently posted..Expectations (and other disconnected witterings written in the middle of the night)
Yeah you are right, I just hope it does work as a major advantage second time round! x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Saturday Is….Caption Day!
Sounds like we had exactly the same kind of birth. I was induced and dilated 6.5cm in 45 minutes – so you can imagine that I was in absolute agony and really grateful once I had my epidural but I also had to have a forceps delivery and I felt so so sorry for Amy. Her little head was all bruised and bloody and I was afraid to touch her head once she was born because I didn’t want to hurt her – but the most important thing for me was that my baby was healthy and safe and for that I’d go through it all again, even if it means I don’t get my water birth and have to walk like John Wayne for weeks….
Carolin recently posted..Blogoversary Competition No2: Win 4×2 tickets to the Baby Show in London ExCeL, 24th-26th February 2012
Yeah they told us that she would be really sore for a week and not to let too many people hold her
Poor things but you are right, all that matters is that they were born safe and I would go through it all again if I had to but I really hope I don’t need to next time. Lol at walking like John Wayne though! I could barely walk at all! So painful! x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Saturday Is….Caption Day!
If you ever have another baby you should look into having a home birth or going to a birthing center. When you are surrounded with people from the beginning that support your choice of not taking medication or intervention it makes it a lot easier to get through it. Hospitals are always going to try and interfere with the birth, and sometimes its not even for a good reason. I’ve heard stories about doctors rushing labor just to get to the next patient or go home for the day. When everyone is on the same page as you and they all help you to prepare mentally and physically you’ll find that you have a much more peaceful and relaxing completely natural experience. The attitude towards the birth really matters a lot.
I would love to have a home birth, I hated the fact that Dad2BabyInsomniac had to leave 20 mins after Iyla was born. I don’t think he would want me to have a home birth next time though just in case but I definitely want to find a nice birthing centre. Hopefully where they will try and encourage me to be strong and not just offer me drugs straight away. They just don’t have the time to give you enough time and attention in NHS hospitals unfortunately but I guess I just have to feel grateful that they got Iyla out safely x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Saturday Is….Caption Day!
Hi, i’ve just recently found and been enjoying your blog.
Sorry to read you had a bad birth; its not nice when you’ve got a beautiful little person but still can’t escape being “haunted” for want of a better word, about how they came into the world.
Even though OBEM is real-life it is still edited and also themed into episodes-I think if it was horrible births every week people wouldn’t watch! Although I think birth plans are a great idea, they don’t always allow for unexpected moments or how you feel on the day. I think to a degree birth is quite glamourized when it is actually often fairly primitive and brutal! I’ve not yet met someone who had a super birth, with minimal pain relief, skin-to-skin straight away, breastfed at the click of a finger and was home within hours..
amy recently posted..Going Home Outfits
Hi, I think it’s literally just from watching One Born that I’ve started feeling like my own birth was so bad! I didn’t really have anything to compare it to before but now I know that there are all these women having what look like perfect births! You are right about it being edited though and I guess they do choose the best births to make watching interesting for the viewers. I will have to bear that in mind this week! Thanks for your comment x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Saturday Is….Caption Day!
I had a horrible long birth the first time round, ending up with an epidural, forceps and an emergency c-section. I felt really miserable about it afterwards and actually had panic attacks in the run up to T’s birth because I was so worried about doing it again but it was completely different. Still fecking painful mind but so much quicker that I only ended up having gas and air.
I know some people have wonderful birthing experiences but I just don’t think that’s on the cards for me but at least now I know it doesn’t have to be awful. I’m sure whatever happens for you it will be miles better than the first time and hey what’s one stressful day in the whole of your life? x
catparrott recently posted..Speak Up and Speak Out
I think you’ve nailed it on the head there. I totally trusted my body. I believed it could do it and I had two good births as a result. No pain relief with either. I honestly think it’s because I stayed calm and in control. I did a guest post on Mellow Mummy’s site about how to have a mellow labour recently.
Helpful Mum recently posted..The Photo Gallery – My Photography Resolution
I will check it out, I need all the tips I can get! x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Saturday Is….Caption Day!
I had both my babies at home and in birth pools with no pain relief, they were both quick deliveries (4.5 hours and 3 hours), I was the 1st one to touch and pick up and hold my babies, put them straight on my breast and just chill out in the pool for a bit. I am very lucky I know, and am so proud of myself.
I too think how different it could have been, what if I had been induced and had to be in hospital (I had nightmares about this the few weeks before my due date). I think I handle pain quite well, but the pool was so relaxing, and being at home meant I could be myself and I felt I was in control. Unlike some people who are worried they will have the same birth experience as before I am worried that I wouldn’t be so lucky another time.
Knowledge is definitely power though, I read everything I could get my hands on about childbirth when I was first pregnant so although I didn’t know how I would handle it I knew the process and I knew what I wanted.
I remember the best piece of advice I was given when I was pregnant came from my mum. She told me to “be flexible” about labour and “go with it”. She told me to “have no expectations” and “try to stay calm”. In the end, by sheer luck, my mum was one of those with me when I started having contractions. I had planned a waterbirth too, but when my contractions were one on top of the other, with no break, and I wasn’t even dilating, I accepted I needed a shot of pethidine if I was going to get through it. My daughter was born 5 hours later, naturally, in a birthing room off the delivery suite – it was more like a bedroom than a hospital room, with a normal bed etc. Looking back, I know I was lucky. I think the thing to remember is that all women labour differently, all labours are different and, in the end, you can have the best plans in the world for the “perfect birth” but it doesn’t always happen like that. Don’t beat yourself up about Iyla’s birth – it sounds like you did an amazing job and really went through the mill during your labour. Well done for bringing such a gorgeous little girl into the world!
Mother’s Always Right recently posted..Do you ever lie on Facebook?
Ahhh that sounds lovely. I do think I need to stop feeling bad about it because it’s not like I can do anything about it but I want a birth like yours next time! x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Saturday Is….Caption Day!
I had a similar experience to you giving birth to my first child. He ended up looking like he’d gone ten rounds in a boxing ring and I had to have an hour in surgery after he was born to put me back together. Hideous. I was worried history would repeat itself when I fell pregnant with my second child. I think knowledge is power though and I was determined to try everything I could to avoid the same experience whilst knowing that if it happened again I would survive it and be grateful that my child was healthy. It didn’t happen again though, second time round I did hypnobirthing and had a water birth with no pain relief. Not saying that to gloat but because when I was pregnant with number two I wanted to hear as many stories as possible where second births went very differently and much better than first time round. Every birth is different. Don’t blame yourself for how things went with Iyla, I’m sure you did the very best you could at the time.
bluebirdsunshine recently posted..Mastering the Flatbreads
That is so good to know! I have heard so much about hypno-birthing and it’s definitely something I want to use next time. I think I just naively thought that my body would just do it last time and didn’t do any preparation for the birth. Plus for some reason I thought I had a high pain threshold! God knows why! x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Saturday Is….Caption Day!
I have also noticed from the mums I know that those with more traumatic/long labours had less content bubs, which is understandable when you think what the poor little mites have been through. Experts reckon they get headaches from their heads getting squashed for too long. But never think it is at the fault of your own, you and the docs did all you could to keep Iyla safe and you suceeded. Who knows had you not have had medical intervention things could have turned out worse, not better..better not to do the what if’s and just learn from your experience.
I didnt think it at the time, but i was lucky to have a 7hour labour. i too freaked out, and started panicking, not breathing etc (think the gas and air made me worse)so had a shot of pethodine and it worked a treat just relaxed me enough so I could rest between contractions and get on with it.
For your next one I can recommend Hypno-birthing. I have a friend who went through 36 + hours of labour and gave birth to a breech baby with no drugs, nothing. She is amazing said it was all down to the hypnotherapy. So must be worth trying!
Also, what worked for me: join a pregnancy yoga class from as early as you can prepares your body for all the err.. stretching and teaches you breathing/positions. Also drink Raspberry leaf tea for a couple weeks before your due, softens cervix so you dilate faster.
wow.. now i’m thinking about the next one..not yet thanks!!
Nooo I am so not ready! I would have happily had another one for the first year but things get so much easier and the thought of going back to baby phase is not appealing right now!
I have heard so much about hypno-birthing and am definitely going to look into it next time and pregnancy yoga – basically anything I can do! I was pretty lazy for the last few months of my pregnancy this time, I sat around eating too much cake – not a very good way to prepare my body! x
Mum2BabyInsomniac recently posted..Saturday Is….Caption Day!
Jess you cannot blame yourself for not managing the pain! in fact you cannot blame yourself full stop! no one knows how a labour is going to turn out they are all unique and unpredictable. you had an awful time but you had a beautiful baby and YOU did it Jess – you are amazing for doing it. hopefully things will be much different next time – but again if things don’t go to plan don’t beat yourself up about it either.
fab post xx
jenny Paulin recently posted..Room 101 (Reality TV)
Hi,
I’m a new reader of your blog and I came here via your “2012 done!” post.
I had my first baby in September and the labour was absolutely not how I imagined it. I was 12 days overdue, my waters broke with no contractions and I was sent home for 24 hours to see if they’d start. When they didn’t, I was admitted and induced which was the most painful night of my life. Then baby turned back to back and presented the wrong part of his head. I laboured on gas and air brilliantly for 14 hours (and I’m really proud of that part of the labour) before I was told it wasn’t progressing and I ended up with an emergency section and a three day stay in hospital. In the end I had to have another midwife appointment at 6 weeks to go through my notes again because the whole thing was bothering me so much and I just couldn’t move past it. I feel fine now and speaking to my midwife was the best thing I did. Would it be worth speaking to your midwife about your first birth to see if she can help you to see it positively?
Also I don’t know if this will help at all (sorry if it’s patronising) but the things I did to help with my pain were things like thinking of it as tightening not pain, and to try to visualise it. I imagined the pain on my stomach and then imagined myself getting a pen and scribbling over it and by doing that I felt more in control of it and it lessened. I also imagined going up one side and down the other of the contraction when I was using the gas and air.
Anyway that might not be of any help but that’s that I did anyway.
xxx
Heather recently posted..Best of 2012
Hello! I don’t think it sounds patronising at all, I am always happy to hear anything that could be useful in labour and will definitely try those techiniques. I did meet with my midwife the other day actually and am now arranging to have a home birth so I am hoping that things go a bit more smoothly this time. I have got my natal hypnotherapy cd and books and really want to have the drug-free labour that I always dreamt of! We shall see! Thanks you for your comment xx